1.发生在我家的恶报: 我们兄妹三人得癌症
师父上人、各位大德、莲友，阿弥陀佛！
Venerable Master, all Dharma Masters, all Buddhist fellows, Amitabha!
末学今年（2023）60岁。2022年夏天末学被诊断为结肠癌，
I am 60 years old (2023). In the summer of 2022, I was diagnosed with colon cancer;
转移到腹腔及右肺，并在左肺发现原发肺癌。
it had spread to the abdomen and the right lung, and they soon found that I also had primary lung cancer on the left lung.
今年又发现癌细胞转移到大脑和子宫。
This year, they found that the cancer had spread to the brain and the uterus.
末学是兄妹四人中第三个患癌症的。I am the third of the four siblings that had cancer.
我二哥于2017/3/10肺癌离世，享年57岁；
My second brother passed away from lung cancer on March 10, 2017, at the age of 57.
16个月后, 我大哥于2018/7/10鼻咽癌离世，享年64岁。
16 months later, my first brother passed away from nose cancer, at the age of 64.
我的癌症让所有侄子侄女们惊慌不已，每个人都赶紧去做了全面体检。
My cancer frightened my nephew and nieces, and they all wasted no time and went to have a physical.
认识我们的人都说这是家族基因；我妈妈也是几年前因淋巴癌离世。
All those who know us say that the cancer genes run in our family; my mother had died of lymphoma cancer a few years before, too.
真的是家族基因吗？
Is it really because of the genes?
既是，也不是。好多人都携带癌症基因，但不是每个人都会发病。
The answer is yes and no. Many people carry cancer genes but not everyone develops cancer.
为什么癌症接二连三发生在我们家呢？
Why does it happen to us, one after another?
现在作为佛弟子（2017年皈依三宝），末学明白了：
Now as a Buddhist ( I took refuge in 2017), I understand:
癌细胞是种子，在我们兄妹身上遇到了生长的缘： 邪淫、不孝。
Cancer genes are seeds；they found the fertile conditions with my brothers and me: immoral sexuality and un-filiality.
我们兄妹三个都犯了邪淫大过。
All three of us committed immoral sexuality.
先说我大哥。他曾经是当地首屈一指的富商。
First, my first brother used to be one of the richest businessmen locally.
因为婚外情和我大嫂吵吵闹闹了几年。
As a result of his adultery, he and my sister-in-law used to fight for years.
曾经有一次大嫂喝了农药后晕倒在地。大哥跨过她的身体走出门去。
Once, she took pesticide and passed out on the floor. He simply stepped over her and walked out.
再说我二哥。他是一个有两个女儿的有妇之夫。
As for my second brother, he was a married man with two daughters.
年轻时有婚外情。
He had affairs when he was young.
中年时，和一个有夫之妇在外面租了房子住，从不回家。
In his middle age, he rented a house and lived with a married woman, never returning home.
后来出了车祸，把一条腿撞成重伤。
Later on, he had an accident and injured his leg badly.
期间都是我二嫂在医院陪护。
It was my second sister-in-law who took care of him while he was hospitalized.
出院后，二哥依然不改前非，不念二嫂的夫妻情，又去和那个情妇同居。
When he was discharged from the hospital, he still did not stop his wrongdoing and he did not appreciate his wife’s care; instead, he went to live with the lover again.
再来说说我自己。I myself is no different.
我勾引比自己大20岁的老师.
I seduced my teacher, who was 20 years older than me.
我拆散了他的家庭，使他的两个幼女失去了父爱。
I broke his family and deprived his two little girls of their father’s love,
我与老师私奔、结了婚。
I eloped and married him.
后来我与三个男人有婚外情。Later on, I had affairs with three men.
来美国后，与四个男人邪淫； 与其中一个男人同居近两年、与另一个婚前同居。When I came too America, I had immoral sex with four men, lived with one of them for almost two years， and had immoral sex before marrying him.
除了邪淫，我们兄妹都大不孝。
Besides immoral sexuality, my brothers and I are not filial.
我们兄妹三人的婚姻都不顺，都曾闹离婚，让爸爸妈妈伤透了脑筋。
My two brothers and I all had marriage problems and we all tried to get divorced.
其中我的婚姻是爸爸妈妈最大的痛。
My marriage was the biggest pain for them.
我曾经是他们的掌上明珠。
I used to be the apple of their eye.
我是独女，小时候非常听话，从不若爸爸妈妈生气。
I was their only girl, very obedient and I never made them angry.
我曾经是他们的骄傲.
I used to be their pride.
我是我们村里几年里第一个、也是唯一一个考上师饭学校的学生。
I was the first and, for a few years, the only student in our village to be admitted to a teacher normal school.
当时在村里人的眼里我以后脱离了面朝黄土背朝天的生活就是人上人了。
At the time, I was a super girl in the villagers’ eyes because I was to break away from the life of a farmer who toils with the backs hunching over and the face looking down at soil.
而且我毕业后留校当老师。
Moreover, I got a teaching position at my teacher school.
在爸妈和村里人眼里，我是大教授。
In the eyes of my parents and the villagers, I was a professor.
这一切在我结婚时全都被颠覆了。
All this reversed when I got married.
我结婚没有告诉家里任何人。
I didn’t my family about my marriage.
结婚前一个月，我任职的示范学校领导多次劝我不要继续不正当关系，我完全听不进去。
One month before Getting married, the leaders of my teacher school tried several times to talk into stop The immoral relationship, but I wouldn’t want hear it.
因此，我被从师范学校贬到一个普通中学。
So I was demoted from the teacher school to an average high school.
这一切在我婚后几个月后大哥才从一个他认识的老师那里听说了。
Not until a few months later did my first brother heard about it from a teacher he knew.
妈妈知道后跑到村外庄稼地里放声大哭！
When my mom heard it, she ran to the corn fields outside the village and bawled her eyes out!
我随之而来的立竿见影的恶报继续不断在爸爸妈妈伤口撒盐。
随之而来的是立竿见影的恶报：
What immediately followed was bad karma， which kept stabbing my parents’ hearts.
婚后十年我们穷困潦倒。
For ten years after marriage, we kept sinking into poverty.
他放弃公职下海经商.
He resigned from his job and decided to be his own boss.
为了支持他，我多次向亲朋好友借钱，
In order to support him, I borrowed money from relatives and friends several times,
而他每次都是失败告终。
but each time his business ended in failure.
这让爸妈痛苦不堪。
This gave my parents unbearable pain.
最后一次是经营一家天津包子铺,不到一年又失败了。
The last business he tried was a Tianjin Stuffed Bun Restaurant, and it failed again in less than a year.
妈妈听说后立刻失语了，不久就被诊断为淋巴癌。
At the news, my mother lost speech right away, and she was soon diagnosed with lymphoma cancer.
这正如俗话所说：伤在儿身痛在娘心！
The saying goes, “A child is injured, and the mom’s heart bleeds!”
妈妈晚年得了老年痴. My mother had the Alzheimer's disease in her old age.
2008年暑假，我回国照顾妈妈。In the summer vacation of 2008, I returned to China to take care of her.
虽然人在妈妈身边，但是心猿意马，每天和在美国的“男朋友”在电话里嬉笑。
Even though I was physically with my mother, my heart was not there. Every day, I would get on the phone and giggle and chat with my “boyfriend” in America.
妈妈在一次意识清醒时说，“你根本不在乎我！”
Once my mother had a short cognoitive window; she said to me, “You don’t care about me at all!”
妈妈一次在村外奔跑。
My mom once ran around on the farm fields outside the village..
我追上了妈妈，骂妈妈，“你这个疯子！”
I caught up with mom and yelled at her, “You lunatic!”
在我回美国的前两天，我打电话叫大哥来商量如何照顾妈妈。
Two days before I returned to USA, I called my first brother and asked him to come over and discuss how to care for our mom.
大哥进了门就大声呵斥妈妈，“这还让不让人过日子！”妈妈吓得半天说不出话来。
He came over and yelled at mom, “Why can’t you let us live a life!” My mom was so intimidated that she couldn’t say a word.
把父母送进养老院本来就已经不孝了，退其次我们也应该找一家好的养老院。
It is already unfilial to send parents to a nursing home; the least we should have done was to find a good nursing home.
大哥和二哥都没有花时间去找. 我常年不在国内，不了解当地情况。
Neither my first brother or second brother took time to find a good nursing home. I had been in USA for years and I did not know about the local situation.
在回美国的前一天，末学和二哥把妈妈拉到县城的一家养老院。 之前我们都不曾去看看这家养老院的情况。
On the day before I left, my second brother and I took our mom to a nursing home in the county city; none of us had checked it out before.
妈妈被安排和一个不停呻吟的老太太同一个房间，屋里充满了恶臭。
Mom was put up in a room with an old lady who was moaning all the time; the room was filled with stench.
妈妈拄着拐杖站在门口，“我不在这儿呆着！”
Mom stood at the door with a walking cane in her hand; she said, “I don’t want to be here.”
我的眼泪一下子掉了下来，转身走到一旁抹眼泪。
I couldn’t help weeping; I turned away to wipe my tears.
还算有一点孝心；第二天一大早我把妈妈转到了一个家庭养老院。妈妈看起来较安心。
I found myself a little filial at that moment; early the next morning, I moved mom to a family-run nursing home. Mom seemed to feel at home there.
妈妈临终前一周，大嫂打电话给我，告诉我妈妈不行了，问我要不要回去。
One week before mom passed away, my first sister-in-law called and told me that our mom’s days were numbered; she asked me if I would go back.
我当时刚好放暑假第一天，但是我却说，“不回去。我们已经尽力了。妈现在也感觉不到痛苦了。”
It happened to be the first day of my summer vacation, but I said, “I’m not going back. We have done our best. Mom can’t feel any pain now.”
那是多么愚蠢呀！那是多么不孝哇！
How stupid that was! How unfilial that was!
两个哥哥都在县城，而且大哥的家离妈妈的养老院步行只有不到十分钟的路程。
My two brothers both lived in the county city, and my first brother’s house was less than ten minutes’ walk away.
但是没有人陪在弥留之际的妈妈，虽然他们都知道妈妈快不行了。
However, nobody kept mom company at her deathbed, even though they knew she was dying.
我作为妈妈唯一的“小棉袄”也是如此冷漠，如此畜生不如！
I was mom’s only daughter, but I was so indifferent! Even an animal could have done better!
妈妈离世是早上四点左右被养老院的女当家发现的。
The lady owner of the nursing home found mom dead around 4a.m.
没有人知道妈妈是什么时候走的。
Nobody knew exactly when she had gone.
那天二哥远在外地。
My second brother happened to be far away from home that day.
大哥大嫂没有把妈妈的遗体拉回乡下老家，也没有在他们家设灵堂。
My first brother and sister-in-law did not take our mom back to her home in the village; they didn’t set up a wake in their house either.
他们没有等二哥赶到家就立刻直接把妈妈拉到火葬场火葬、当天下午就入坟了！
They didn’t wait for my second brother to get back; right away, they sent our mom’s body straight to a cremation place! Our mom was cremated and buried on the very afternoon of her passing!
妈妈养育了我们三个孩子，带大了一个孙子和两个孙女；我们不光是妈妈活着时不孝，而且死了我们也没有给妈妈一个像样的葬礼！
Our mom raised the three of us, and she babysat a grandson and two granddaughters. We were not only unfilial to her when she was alive; we also didn’t give her a proper funeral!
爸爸不久也住进了养老院，就是妈妈当时住的养老院。
Soon afterwards, our dad also moved into a nursing home, the same one where our mom had stayed.
爸爸一个人住单人房间，但是爸爸不开心。
Our dad lived in a room by himself; he was not happy.
爸爸老年变得沉默寡言，他的苦都埋在心里。
He became very quiet in his old age; he kept all his miseries to himself.
大多数时间，爸爸的每天生活就是三顿饭，哪里有什么快乐！
His daily life was simply three meals most of the times.
What was there to be joyful about!
大哥偶尔去爸爸那里转一圈。二哥有一点时间也要找人打牌，打起牌来什么都不管了。
My first bother occasionally dropped by. My second brother would use any free time to play poker games. Once playing, he ignored everything.
所以，二哥很少抽时间探望，更别说陪着说说话了。
So he seldom took time to visit our dad, not to mention sitting down and chatting with him.
我们没有一个人真正关心爸爸的喜怒哀乐。我很少陪爸爸说说家常。
None of us really cared about our dad’s feelings of joy, anger, sadness, or happiness. I seldom had conversations with him.
他曾经三次试图自杀。
He tried to take his own life three times.
一次是在大街上追着卖老鼠药的人买了一包鼠药；
One time, he ran after a street peddler selling mice poison and bought a pack.
一次是半夜三更起来，在院子里的一个大水缸旁垫石头。他站上石头，刚巧被人看见。
Another time, he got up in the middle of the night, moved a big rock to the open water vat in the yard, and stepped onto the rock. Luckily, someone saw all that.
2016年暑假前，爸爸打电话告诉我他睡眠不好，让我从美国给他买安眠药。
Before my summer vacation in 2016, my dad called and told me he couldn’t sleep well. He wanted me to get him some sleeping pills in USA.
我也没有多想，带回国一瓶。
I did not think much of it and brought him a bottle.
到家的第二天晚上爸爸把整瓶药都吃了，很快口吐白沫不省人事。
On the second night of my return to my hometown, he took the whole bottle. Soon, his mouth started to foam and he passed out.
在医院里，我问爸爸是不是想趁我在家给他送终；爸爸点点头。
At the hospital, I asked him if he had planned to die while I was there; he nodded.
我们这些不孝子女！只是让父母有地方住、有饭吃根本不是孝道！
Damn us unfilial children! It is not filial only to put a roof over our parents’ heads or just give them food!
二哥得了肺癌一直没有告诉爸爸实情；
When my second brother got diagnosed with lung cancer, we did not tell our dad the truth.
但是爸爸肯定猜到了是不治之症，但是他从未问过我们; 爸爸是有泪往肚子里流的那类人。
Dad must have guessed my brother was terminally ill, but he never asked us; he was the type that weep to themselves.
爸爸承受着老年孤独及即将丧子之痛；
Our dad was going through loneliness and the pain of losing a son soon.
这还不够，我们三个不孝子女在房产上（当年父母留给二哥的房子）又扎了爸爸一刀。
Yet, we three unfilial children stabbed him with our fight over a house, the one our parents had left my second brother.
2016年的夏天我在国内；
I was in my hometown in the summer of 2016.
大哥大嫂决心要趁我在时及在二哥往生前争到二哥的房产，理由是二哥从未赡养过爸妈（不完全属实）。
My first brother and my sister-in-law were determined to fight for it while I was there (for my signature); they argued that my second brother had never supported our parents (not totally true).
二哥二嫂为了息事宁人，同意在协议书上签字（那是二哥的绝笔！当时他已经坐不起来了。）
My second brother and second sister-in-law wanted peace, so they agreed to sign the agreement. (That was his last writing! At the time, he already couldn’t sit up.)
我拿着协议书去让爸爸签字；
I took the agreement to my dad for his signature.
爸爸只是简单的说了一句话，“真好意思要！”
He simply said, “How can they have the heart!”
没有父母愿意看到子女为争房产不和，更何况二哥当时已经时日不多了呢！
No parents want to see their children fight over a house. And my second brother was dying at the time!
试想爸爸有多心碎！
It is hard to imagine how heartbroken our dad was!
二哥走后八个月，爸爸也在同一年离世了。
Eight months after my second brother passed away, our dad also went, in the same year.
那是2017/11/6晚饭时间，爸爸咬了几口烧饼，就开始大口喘气。
It was dinner time on November 11, 2017. Dad took a few bites of a Chinese muffin and he began to pant.
养老院的人赶紧打电话给大哥；
People at the nursing home called my first brother right away.
几分钟后他赶到时，爸爸是否还在喘气我不知道，因为我不在现场;
He got there a few minutes later; I didn’t know if our dad was still breathing then because I was not there.
我只知道自始至终没有人拨打120！
All I knew was nobody called 911!
即便是当时爸爸真的已经停止呼吸了，那也是停止呼吸没有多长时间，难道就没有必要抢救了吗？
Even if Dad had stopped breathing, it had only been a short time; wasn’t it necessary to rescue him?
大哥在爸爸走后几个月就被诊断为鼻咽癌，并于2018/7/10往生。
Only a few months later, my first brother was diagnosed with nose cancer. He passed away on July 10, 2018.
往生两天前大哥和我说到，“我为啥得了癌症？莫不是爸爸怪我当年没有叫救护车？”
Two days before his passing, he said to me, “Why do I have cancer? Is it because I didn’t call for an ambulance for dad and he was mad at me?”
面对垂危的大哥，我还能说什么呢？
Knowing he was dying, what could I say?
我只好安慰他，“爸爸不会怪罪你的。你是孝子。” 事实是，我们是多么不孝哇！
All I could do was try to comfort him;” Dad wouldn’t blame you. You are a filial son.” The truth is we were all so unfilial!
刚刚皈依佛门时，一个莲友劝我拜忏, 我说，“我觉得我挺好的。我有什么罪可忏！”
When I took refuge, a fellow Buddhist told me to repent, I said, “I consider myself a good person. What wrongdoings do I have to warrant repentance?”
那是多么颠倒愚痴呀。
How upside down and ignorant that was!
犯下一桩桩一件件弥天大罪还不自知！现在果报现前方知因果丝毫不爽！
I committed one immense sin after another and I didn’t realize any! Now I am inflicted with the consequences, and I finally learn that what goes around surely comes around.
末学感恩列祖列宗的恩德、感恩佛法僧三宝的恩德，让我今生得闻佛法！
I am grateful to my ancestors and to Triple Jewels that bless me with the opportunity to hear Buddha Dharma!
末学在此发露忏悔并代大哥和二哥忏悔！
I repent sincerely and I repent on behalf of my First Brother and Second Brother!
恳请爸爸妈妈、列祖列宗慈悲原谅我们的不孝！
We beg our parents and our ancestors to forgive our unfiliality!
恳请佛菩萨慈悲加佑末学依教奉行、断恶修善！
I sincerely implore Buddhas and Bodhisattvas to bless me with compassion and help me practice the teachings! May I stop any wrongdoings and cultivate goodness!
末学果香合十
Respectfully,
Guoxiang
2. 父母恶业殃及后代
—- 发生在我儿子身上的恶报
Parents’ Wrongdoings Impact offspring
—- the Bad karma on my Son
我儿子有严重的强迫症、焦虑症。
My son has severe OCD and anxiety.
我们家的餐桌在我们搬进新居后不到一年就已经不能做餐桌用了。
Our dining table stopped being a dining table in less than a year after we moved into our condo.
上面满是儿子的杂志等等。
It was covered with his magazines and so forth.
其中有一个手提包，是他十几年前放在那里的，到现在也不曾有人碰过。
There is a handbag that he left there over ten years ago and it just stays there.
儿子的卧室和他用的书房也是杂乱无章。
His bedroom and his study are full of clutter too.
床上、地上都是东西。
He leaves things on his bed and on the floor.
几年前的账单他依然铺开在地毯上。
He still lays out on the floor bills that are several years old.
我们的车库有两个车位，但是一辆车也停不进去。
Our garage has two parking spots but not even one car can park.
车库里满是他的杂物。
It is full of his stuff.
去年秋天他就信誓旦旦要清理一下以便让他的继父可以在下雪天在车库里停车，但是一年过去了杂物却越堆越多。
Last fall, he promised to clean it up so his step-dad could park in the garage on snow days, but one year passed and the craps just keep piling up.
他绝不允许我们动那些东西。
He won’t let us touch anything.
如果我未经过他的允许而挪动任何东西，他就会焦虑一整天。
If we move anything without his permission, he will be anxious the whole day.
我们的邮箱常常有毫无用处的广告杂志；他不是把整本杂志丢进回收桶里，而是要一页一页查看…
Our mailbox often has useless marketing magazines. Instead of throwing them into a recycling barrel, he checks each single page…
儿子的强迫症不是偶然的。
His OCD is not accidental.
他爸爸当年常常打猎。
His dad used to hunt.
有一年过春节，我们就是靠他打的一只兔子过的年。
One Chinese New Year, a rabbit he hunted was all we had.
末学未闻佛法前杀业无数：杀鱼、烹活龙虾、活捉蚂蚁并当场揪掉头吃它们的肚子…
Before taking refuge, I used to kill: killing fish, cooking live lobsters, catching ants and eating them after tearing their heads off…
有一年的冬天，我养了几只鸡。
One winter, I raised a few chickens.
过年前，我用菜刀把鸡头在土墙上剁下来后扔到地上。Before the Chinese New Year, I chopped their heads off on tops of a mud wall and threw them down.
那些可怜的无头鸡没有马上丧命，而是留着鲜血在地上团团转了半天！
Those poor headless chickens didn’t die right away; they were bleeding and twirling for quite a while!
我当时毫无怜悯之心。
At the time, I did not have any compassion.
现在想想我是多么残忍！
Now I realize how cruel I was then!
这些众生 是我前世的亲人！我冷血杀死了他们！
Those beings were my families in previous life! I cold heartedly killed them.
更有甚者是我曾经几次堕胎，杀死了自己四、五个婴灵！
What is more, I had several abortions and killed four or five of my own babies.
再有，我前夫和我都多次邪淫。
Besides, my ex and I both had immoral sex.
我前夫是老师。
My first husband was a teacher.
很多他的学生崇拜他，我当年对他也是崇拜得五体投地，以至于身心都交给他。
A lot of his students worshipped him. I also fell head over heels for him, so much that I surrendered my heart and body to him.
我只是痴迷女生之一。我认识其中一个女孩；我确信她是以身相许的。
I was only one of the admirers. I know one of the girls and I am sure she also surrendered her heart and body.
后来我们夫妇失和，他竟然多次把他的一个女学生带到家里，关上他卧室的门…
Later on we were not getting along. He brought a girl student into our home and closed his bedroom door…
最后，我忍无可忍，告诉那个女孩以后不要来家里了。女孩走后，他手持一个大木棍要打我。
Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore and told the girl never to come back again. After she left, he held a wooden stick and threatened to hit me.
我们夫妇的邪淫殃及我们的儿子，正所谓上梁不正下梁歪。
Our immoral sexuality affected our son, as the saying goes “An apple can not fall far from a tree. “
他从上高中就谈女朋友并同床。
He started to have girl friends while attending high school and they slept together.
儿子前后谈过的女朋友不下十个。
He had one girlfriend after another, no less than ten over the time.
有一次，他姥爷刚刚离世；就在同一天晚上他把一个女孩带回家.
Once on the very night his grandfather passed, he brought a girl back.
我推开他的房门呵斥了他。
I broke into his room and yelled at him.
现在他已经结婚了。据我所知，他没有外遇，但是家庭观念不强。
Now he is married. As far as I know, he does not have an affair, but he is not devoted.
他和儿媳租赁一个公寓，但是一半时间他都是一个人在我家的房子里住。
He and his wife rent an apartment, but half of the time he stays alone in our condo.
即便是上班休息一天，他也愿意自己呆着。
Even on his day off, he would rather be alone.
这都是我和他爸爸对他的负面影响。
This is all the negative influence on him from his dad and me.
我对他爸爸的痴迷在生下儿子后不久就消失的无影无踪。
My infatuation for his dad evaporated soon after he was born.
后来更是形同路人。我们生活在同一个屋檐下，但是互不交流。
Later on, we grew further apart like like strangers. We lived under the same roof but we didn’t communicate.
我来美国上学的头天晚上，我和他照样是一句话也没有。
On the last evening before my departure to study in the USA, he and I did not speak to each other as usual.
第二天，他到机场送我，我们两个握手告别！
The next day, he saw me off to the airport. We shook hands and said goodbye!
想想儿子在这样的家庭里长大，耳濡目染负能量，他的家庭观念会正常吗？
Growing up in such an environment, he breathed negative energy. How can he have any normal family values?
儿子2002年在他爸爸往生后来美国。
My son came to the USA in 2002 after his dad passed away.
不久我后来的第二位丈夫Gregg走进我们的生活。
Soon, my second husband Gregg came into our life.
他与前妻有一个9岁女儿和一个7岁的儿子。
He and his ex have a nine year old daughter and a seven year old son.
孩子和妈妈住，但是他几乎所有的空闲时间都要开车近40分钟去接孩子，因为妈妈是医院的巴西语翻译，上班时间不固定。
The kids lived with their mom but he spent almost all his free time and drove nearly 40 minutes to pick them up because their mom worked as a Brazilian interpreter at a hospital on varying shifts.
男孩儿有自闭症.
The boy had autism.
不光不能与人正常交流，还要穿纸尿裤，有时还会尿床、在地毯上大小便。
Not only did he have language impediment, he was still wearing diapers and he sometimes peed on the bed and pooped on the floor.
我没有做一个好继母，没有对两个孩子有真正的爱心。
I was not a good step-mother, and I did not really love them.
虽然陪前夫带他们玩但是心里有怨气；嗔怪他不能单独陪陪我。
Even though I would go along with their dad and take them to places. I was resentful that he couldn’t spend quality time with me alone.
有一次竟然对他说，“要是他们的妈妈死了就好了。那样你就不必跑来跑去了！”
Once I said to him, “If only their mom dies! Then you won’t have to drive back and forth so much!”
这是多么的丧尽天良啊！
How unconscientious and evil that was!
我没有敦伦尽分做一个称职的妻子。
I was not a good wife.
他和我常常闹矛盾。
He and I had lots of issues.
有一次我俩当着我儿子的面大吵大闹。
Once, he and I had a loud argument in my son’s presence.
我要破门离去，他抓住我的上衣不放。
I wanted to leave the house, but he grabbed my shirt and wouldn’t let me go.
我大叫儿子，要他来帮我挣脱。
I called my son to help me break away.
叫几声也没有回应。
I called several times but there was no response.
后来发现儿子不知何时躲出去了。
It turned out he had left the house at some point.
儿子和我与Gregg（2016年离世）共同生活了三年多。My son and I lived with Gregg (deceased in 2016) for over three years.
这期间，我和Gregg之间的矛盾不断。
During the years, Gregg and I always had problems.
这不光对我儿子的家庭观念进一步产生了负面影响，更重要的是我的缺德、黑心肠在他身上的余殃无法估量！
This not only further influenced my son negatively about family values; the repercussions on him from my lack of conscience and evil-mindedness are hard to estimate!
在此，末学至诚向两位前夫忏悔！忏悔当年未闻佛法，未守妇道！
Hereby, I repent sincerely to my two ex-husbands! I repent that I did not hear Buddhadharma and I failed to be a dutiful wife!
末学至诚向儿子忏悔！忏悔未能做一个合格的妈妈、未能言传身教基本的做人道理！
I repent to my son! I repent for having failed to be a good mom and exemplify the fundamental values of a human being!
忏悔在他孩提时代未能给他提供一个和谐温暖的家！
I repent that I did not give him a peaceful, warm family while he was growing up!
向堕胎宝贝们忏悔！
I repent to the aborted babies!
向Gregg的前妻及两个孩子忏悔！
I repent to Gregg’s ex and their two kids!
向所有末学曾经恼害、伤害、杀害的众生忏悔！
I repent to all those I have annoyed, harmed, and killed!
至诚代两位前夫及儿子向他们曾经恼害、伤害、杀害的所有众生忏悔！
On behalf of my two ex-husbands and my son, I repent to all those they have annoyed, harmed, and killed!
阿弥陀佛保佑所有家亲眷属、所有有缘众生得闻佛法、毕竟成佛🙏南无阿弥陀佛🙏
May Amitabha bless all the family members and all those with affinities with Buddhadharma to ultimately become Buddhas! Namo Amitabha!
各位莲友，末学至诚祈愿您以末学为戒，切记造下恶业一定要承受果报（末学是癌症晚期患者）而且殃及后代！
My dear fellow,Buddhists, I sincerely pray that you learn from my lessons. Remember that you will certainly pay for the consequences of your wrongdoings (I am a stage four cancer patient.), and your offspring will also bear the fruit!
末学果香合十
Sincerely,
Guoxiang
后记 P.S.
弥天大罪，一忏便消！佛法僧不可思议！
Even if it is an immense wrongdoing, a sincere repentance will cleanse it! Triple Jewels are inconceivable!
称诵阿弥陀佛名号功德不可思议！
The credit of chanting Amitabha’s name is inconceivable!
末学果香至诚感恩佛菩萨加佑末学今生得闻佛法！
I sincerely thank Buddhas and Bodhisattvas for reeling me to Buddhadharma!
至诚感恩佛菩萨加佑先生及儿子开始亲近三宝 🙏 南无阿弥陀佛🙏
I sincerely thank Buddhas and Bodhisattvas for my husband and my son starting to draw near to Triple Jewels! Namo Amitabha!
3. 弟弟的恶报
我弟弟在未满一岁时过继给别人。My younger brother was given away for adoption before he turned one year old.
他直到婚后几年才和我们有联系。
He didn’t connect with our family until several years after he was married.
我是坚持要他回到我们生活中的人。
I was the one who insisted on getting him back into our life.
第一次家宴，他说，“我谢谢我姐。你们其他的人吗，哼！”
At the first reunion family lunch, he said, “I thank my sister. To the rest of all of you, I have nothing to say!”
这些话肯定伤了我父母的心， 特别是妈妈。
Such words must have hurt my parents, especially my mom.
弟弟刚刚被领养后的几个月里，妈妈常常去看他，但是养母不乐意，所以妈妈以后就不再去了。
She used to go visit him in the first few months after he was adopted but the adoption mom didn’t like that, so my mom stopped going over.
我们原本希望弟弟会在结婚时请我们参加婚礼，妈妈当时还准备了给新娘的红包。
We had hoped he would invite us to his wedding and my mom had already planned to give the bride an envelope.
但是，事与愿违。他对爸妈把他过继给别人心怀怨气。
But it didn’t happen. He held grudges against our parents for giving him up for adoption.
所以他对爸妈不亲，更说不上孝顺了。
Therefore, he was not close to our parents, not to mention being filial to them.
一次他因烧伤住院。
Once he was hospitalized for bad burns.
出院后妈妈去看他。After he was discharged, our mom went over to visit him.
妈妈后来告诉我，他吃鸡腿没有让妈妈一起吃！
She later told me that he didn’t offer her any while he ate chicken drumsticks!
弟弟一直和我较亲。他告诉我一些秘密。
He always feels closer to me and he confided in me some secrets.
他不无自豪地说他有几次外遇，而且她们的名字都与我的名字和他妻子的名字接近：都有“霞”字。
He told me, with pride, that he had affairs and the girls’ first names all had the same word as in my first name and his wife’s first name: Xia.
一个情妇要买房并带他同去。
One of the lovers was buying a house and took him along to check it out.
他为她付款20万。
He paid RMB 200,000 for her house.
现在想想，我当时一定是散发缺德之气弟弟才会放心大胆地和我讨论这样的丑事。
Looking back, I must have had such a similar immoral vibe that he felt comfortable to talk with me about such shameful things.
无论如何邪淫都是完全错误的，更何况他的妻子那么忠诚和称职。
It is totally wrong to have affairs no matter what, especially considering what a loyal， good wife he had.
她在村里开了一家诊所，同时要为公公婆婆和全家做饭。
She was running an infirmary in their village apart from cooking three meals for her in-laws and the whole family.
无论多么忙，她也抽时间为她的丈夫包饺子，存在冻箱里。
No matter how busy she was, she always took time to make dumplings for her husband to stock plenty in the freezer.
每天早上，她都早早起床给他煮饺子吃。
Every morning, she got up early and cooked dumplings for his breakfast.
他开了一家红木家具厂。
He ran a furniture business, hong-mu furniture.
这些家具用昂贵的木材, 价钱以斤计算。
The furniture uses expensive precious wood that sold by pounds.
他的企业在自家工厂打造家具然后在前面店铺展卖。
His business made furniture in his factory and then showcased for sale right in the front store.
我一直以为他的事业很好，因为我见他花钱大手大脚。
I always thought he was doing good business because I saw him living a high roller lifestyle.
每次我去看他，他都给我炫耀他收集的泥壶。他告诉我这把壶花了一万，那把壶更贵…
Every time I visited, he would show off his collections of zi-sha-hu, teapots made of a certain clay. He would tell me this cost RMB10,000 and that one cost more， etc.
他向我炫耀他的鞋子和衣服都是名牌，比我的要贵好多。
He also bragged how all his shoes and clothes were designer brands, way more than what I had ever paid for such things.
一次，他让我给他从美国带一条古驰皮带，花了200美元。
Once he asked me to get him a Gucci belt from USA which cost $200.
后来证明他一直在透支，花他借的别人的钱。
It turned out he had been spending money that he didn’t have, money that he borrowed.
他的家具销售困难。渐渐的，几乎没有销售，存活顿满了展售厅。
He had trouble selling his furniture. Eventually, the stock occupied the store floor, with little sales.
我知道大哥在他那里投资了，但是我不清楚多少。
I knew our first brother invested in his business but I was unclear how much.
我弟弟曾经向我抱怨大哥打电话催他还利息。
My younger brother used to complain to me how our first brother would call him and ask him to pay some interest.
当时，我还站在他那一边，说怎么可以向弟弟要利息呢。
At the time, he took his side, saying how wrong it was to want interest from a brother.
我当时想我要是给弟兄钱就是礼物。
I was thinking that I would give money to a brother as a gift.
后来，我才知道大哥把他一生的积蓄都投资在弟弟的家具厂了，总共60万。
Later on, I learned that our first brother invested all his life savings, totalling RMB600,000.
他的收入除了每月微博的退休金（1600元）就没有别的了。他需要他们当时商定好的月息付款。
He had no other income but a meager pension (RMB 1600) and relied on the monthly interest pay they had agreed upon.
所以我弟弟没有理由抱怨。他本该尽最大努力按月付息。
So my younger brother had no reason to complain; he should have tried his best to keep paying every month.
开始几年他规规矩矩付息，后来就停止了。
He did in the first couple of years, but later on, he just stopped.
我不知道他当时是否有钱，但是他像个大款一样花钱在二女儿身上。
I don’t know whether he had money or not at the time, but he spent money on his second daughter like a rich man.
她当时在唐山上高中，离家一个半小时的车程。
She was attending high school in Tangshan, a city an hour and a half ride away from their home.
周末，他不让她坐公共汽车；他每次都去开车接她。
Instead of letting her take the bus home at weekends, he would drive over to pick her up.
油钱及过桥费不便宜。
The gas cost plus the tolls were not cheap.
他还为她在市里租了一间公寓，就为了让她和朋友们能够洗澡！
He also rented an apartment for her in the city just so she could bring her friends there and have a shower!
还有，他把他的日本车给了他女婿，然后买了一辆Audi，而且就在二哥离世的第二天！
Then, he gave his Japanese car to his son-in-law and bought an Audi right on the second day of our second brother’s passing!
我怎么知道的呢？
How did I know?
我给他打电话，希望宣泄一下悲伤。接通了电话，我忍不住低声啜泣。
I called him， hoping to cry on his shoulders. Getting on the phone, I began sobbing over the grief.
他的反应是什么呢？
What was his reaction?
他立刻打断了我并且说他正忙着去提新车！
Right away, he cut me off and said he was busy and he was going to get his new car!
一个人是不是应该先还债然后再奢侈呢？而且，真正三观正的人即便是挣了大钱也会勤俭的。
Wouldn’t anyone want to pay off a debt before being extravagant on themselves? Besides, someone with the right values will remain frugal even when they make lots of money.
后来他知道大哥生命垂危，但是他依然没有偿付大哥钱；这个欠债不还的恶业就越发罪过大了。
This wrongdoing on my younger brother’s part became more blatant when he failed to pay back our first brother anything even though he knew our first brother was dying!
2020年的一天，我前后接到弟妹和他们大女儿的哭诉微信。
One day in 2020, I got WeChat crying messages from his wife and then from his first daughter.
她们告诉我，警察在搜捕弟弟，因为他的债主把他告到法庭而他已经几次无视法庭的传唤了。
They told me he was wanted by cops because he had been subpoenaed several times before for failing to pay his creditors, and he had ignored them all.
她们哭着向我求救。
They cried and asked me for help.
她们告诉我他欠所有亲戚钱，没有人再肯借给他钱了。
They told me that he owed money from each relative and all those who were willing and couldn’t get anymore loans.
他的信用卡全部透支。
His credit cards were all overcharged.
焦虑引起了脑出血，他住院了，账上只有200元。
The stress caused him brain hemorrhage and he was hospitalized, with only RMB200 in his account.
我和他的大女儿一起帮他还了起诉他的债主们，所以警察不再搜捕他了。
Between me and his daughter, we helped him pay back to the creditors that were taking him to court, so cops no longer chased him.
但是，其他的债主们不断找上门来，特别是春节前后。
But other creditors kept knocking on their door, especially around the Chinese New Year.
后果之一是他妻子的健康。她每日以泪洗面。
Among the consequences was his wife’s health. She cried every day.
不到一年之后，她被诊断为胃癌。几个月之后就离世了。
Less than half a year later, she was diagnosed with stomach cancer and passed away a few months later.
弟妹离世不到一个月，他告诉我有人给他提亲。
In the first month of her passing, he told me that some matchmakers were trying to find him a woman!
他本人并不反对！他说他妻子从未理解他，他们从未般配。我对此非常气愤 并教训了他！
And he was open to the idea! He said his wife had never understood him and they were never compatible. I was outraged and reprimanded him!
不久，他彻底破产了。
Soon, he went completely bankrupt.
在中国，破产并不能清除债务。他欠好多人钱。
In China, this doesn’t wipe out any debts. He still owes so many people.
他现在为其他家具商做中介，但是没有什么起色。
He now tries to broker furniture for others, with little success.
当我刚刚获悉他的事业不景气时，我曾经半开玩笑地对他说，“不要太着急。姐起码保证你有粥喝不至于饿死。”
When I first got to know his business was struggling, I had tried to comfort him and said half jokingly, “Don’t worry too much. No matter what, I can at least make sure you have porridge every day and won’t starve.”
谁会想道这会成为事实呢！
How could I ever know then that this was to become reality!
冬天来了，他连取暖费都没有！
It is winter time and he can’t even pay to heat his house!
我弟弟失去了妻子，失去了他的企业，更失去了债权人的信任。
My younger brother has lost his wife and his business, not to mention the trust of those who lent him money.
他做了这些恶业，现在果报现前还有什么奇怪的呢!
For his wrongdoings, it is no surprising that all these misfortunes have happened to him!
在此，我代弟弟为他的恶业忏悔！我代他向所有他所伤害的众生忏悔!
Hereby, I repent on behalf of my younger brother for all his wrongdoings! I repent for him to those he has hurt!
祈愿阿弥陀佛保他！祈愿他听到佛的呼唤，回归大慈父阿弥陀佛身边！
May Buddha bless him! May he hear and come back to The Infinitely Compassionate Father Buddha!
末学果香合十
Sincerely,
Guoxiang
